Sunday, August 15, 2010

{Living a Life I Don't Deserve}

I don't know why but the last two days have been spent reflecting on my life.  I don't have many followers of this blog and most days I'm okay with that because I started this blog as a form of therapy.  And there aren't any expectations so if I don't blog for a week it's not like someone's life will change. 

My husband is in the living room right now playing Wii with his best friend of 25 years.  They've been playing since 9 p.m. and it's now 12:08.  It makes me smile because friends like that don't come around too often these days. 

We've been married 4 and a half years and together for 5.  We'll celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary in January.  We've been through hell and back in those 5 years.  We've been through more in 5 years than most couples endure in a lifetime. 

This is our beautiful baby girl, Parker Reese.  She was born on May 7, 2006.  She weighed 3 pounds and 12 ounces.  She was born with a rare and often fatal birth defect known as congenital diaphragmatic hernia.  She changed our lives in a way that I didn't know existed.  She taught me to love, to smile, to forgive, to laugh, to live.  She passed away 20 hours after her birth in her Daddy's arms.  A piece of me died with her.  I'll never be who I was before Parker.  I'll always be fragile but I believe that because of her I love bigger and I take more chances.   I miss her more today than I did yesterday and I know I'll miss her more tomorrow than I did today.  She's an amazing little girl and her courage to fight inspired me to help families like our own.  In January 2008 we created The Parker Reese Foundation.  Her life was short but her legacy lasting.  I hope I am making my girl proud. 

My husband, Ashley, is my best friend.  My soul mate.  We've been to hell and back a few times.  We've managed to survive the worst tragedy that a family can experience.  We have some bruises but we survived.  It hasn't always been easy but who ever said it was.  We've had to rely on our faith in the Lord and on each other.  It's a risky thing giving control to someone else.  Even God.  We separated for a month.  It was horrible.  We were constant reminders of what we had lost and it was too hard to be together.   After a lot of prayer and some therapy we moved back in together.  There's no easy fix to trying to figure out your life or marriage when you lose a child.  We take it day by day.  And we rely on God's promises to us. 
Especially Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you,  plans to give you hope and a future."

I have Jeremiah 29:11 tattooed on my right wrist as a reminder.  And on the other wrist is a P with a halo.  She'll always be with us, a part of us, and on the most random of days I can feel her presence.  I am so proud to be her mother and to be Ashley's wife.   We live a pretty amazing life together with our other girls...

 Pep
{our 4 year old GSP}

Ryleigh
{our 4 year old Lab mix}

 

and

Teagen
{our 1 year old GSP}


And a multitude of cows! 

We truly are living a life we don't deserve.  We are blessed beyonds words.  We live every day like it's our last and we are grateful that God trust us so much!

Happy Sunday! 

4 comments:

  1. I'm grateful to a God that is faithful and loves you guys, even through your darkest of days. I'm so sorry for the pain you have had to go through with losing Parker, but I'm so proud of who you have become through it. You and Ashley are amazing people Jess and I think God has more amazing things in store for you to come!

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  2. I am so sorry for your lose. I can only image the pain you all have gone through. Remember who you are. God bless.

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  3. I stumbled here for a reason I think. Just when you think things are not perfect, I read something like this...My gosh, I am so sorry that you had to go through that. Your story brought tears to me.
    Sherry

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  4. I came across your blog by way of Perfectly Imperfect's blog. I am so sorry for what you and your family have had to endure - I have been blessed with 3 healthy children but lost our 2nd child (who would have made it 4) to Paternal Triploidy. She was beautiful, so tiny and perfect...no parent should ever have to say goodbye to their child. To create a Foundation to help others...what a wonderful way to honor your daughter's memory.

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